Ok -her goes everything. A very wise young woman told me that when you feel down or overwhelmed or simply like screaming your head like a crazy person that the best thing to do is to write out how you feel. That putting your feelings down on paper or cyberpaper is a very cathartic and necessary way to identify what you’re feeling and to let it go. She also told me that when you’re a writer (which i always considered myself to be) then like anything you want to maintain or get better at you have to “exercise” your skill i.e. writing. The weird thing with me is in my previous few blogs and anything else I wrote after my husband was killed alway had references to my faith and very deep belief in God and his grace for the broken and non-broken people of this universe. I never wanted to be displeasing in His eyes and was very mindful to choose my words carefully. In fact, in one of my previous blogs i made a definite statement about how one has to pick their words carefully as they are one of the mightiest of weapons and can do more damage than imagined. Most wars and horrible crimes have started at the utterance of a few strung syllables. Including broken marriages and relationships. My point is that I haven’t been entirely true to myself and that is not the way to achieve any inner peace or the ability to completely let go of toxic things in one’s life. I say this with both conviction and sadness because I have lied to myself. I truly want to feel the things I say and at times I do to a degree but unless we truly look at ourselves “naked” and “honestly” we are going to carry those friggin’ rattling closet skeletons in our hearts forever. And at times my offbeat humour masks the anger I really feel so take this lightly -coming out of the closet is a necessity when it comes to harbouring skeletons that should have been booted out a long time ago.
I chose the title “balancing act” very purposefully because it represents my life on so many levels. For the past month and a half I have been dealing with recovering from a bad vertigo attack and it has been a lot of ups and downs literally and so life limiting for the things I used to be able to do without a thought. I have been fighting through it and met many awesome people touched by this condition that it is really amazing that there is so little to do to treat it definitively i understand that some things are not an easy fix an yet it is frustrating at the same time. Today has been a particularly sad day and believe me when I say i fight through it with affirmations and prayer and positive self-talk. Just the reality is some days I feel unequipped to cope -like I’m on the frontline in a war torn country and none gave me anything to defend myself with. A pilot without a my radar and I’m sure you get the picture. I feel scared at times and I have 3 beautiful daughters that look up to me to be the strength and glue to hold things together. But it’s hard when you don’t know where to get the glue to help put yourself back together. Coming from a somewhat dysfunctional home life (and honestly that’s noone’s choice) i fought hard to get through those years to get out and make a life that didn’t involve crying everyday. When I met my husband in 1987 I was truly blessed and hung on to him for dear life -actually i choked the life out of us both at times. I didn’t see it back then but I was scared of my own shadow and he became a substitute for what I needed to be for myself. Truthful and honest and to be my own anchor because eventually we burn out when someone needs us so much. Fast forward to now -this led me to depend so much on my children to the exclusion of finding someone to share my life with and I just kept running -from myself really because I was afraid of facing the emptiness and loneliness that was consuming me. I am starting to understand why i did this as I write these words. It’s like that parable in the bible about going out into the desert to hear the voices in our heart and head speak to us truthfully and honestly so we can put the demons to rest. I stuffed my demons in the closet with the freakin’ skeletons!! And life kept going in it’s ebb and flow direction and i kept stuffing and crying and running until this balancing act forced me to stop!! Literally. I have done so much reflecting and self discovery about how I have never taken the time to know me or love me so how could I be capable of being loved or truly loving others. It has hurt deeper than any cut or loss I have had. Because not having my independence to walk places or hop in my car and drive but just puttering about my home has given me the time to look at the truth. The lesson to me in this is we don’t always get the chance to choose when we are going to face our truths or clean out our internal closets of skeletons and demons so when it happens we are totally taken by surprise and blindsided at where we find ourselves.
This is where the kindness of others has to be something we teach ourselves to accept and we welcome our inability to appear all together and completely OK. Putting on my makeup has been a challenge as even getting to the bathroom to pee and it makes me appreciate those who are completely dependent for their personal care. I miss all the little things I never gave much thought to because I had this for about 16 years but fought through after a year of struggle. So many people in this world have so much more to deal with but the wise young lady who encouraged me to write my feelings also reminded me that whatever it is we feel is a hardship is ours to acknowledge and honor as it is happening to us. And the best thing we can do is accept each other when we are in our “down” places and be there for the low of lows and high of highs as my dear friend Holly told me. For life is a collective journey and trying to do it all on our own and be everyone’s caretake is a delusion unto itself. I am learning that the strongest people ask for help and admit they need it.
So -this balancing act reference is very appropriate for my journey with vertigo and all the balancing acts i tried to keep going like the guy who spins plates in the circus -to truly balance we have to stop the imbalance we live.
much love to all
ps credit goes to my amazing daughter who inspired me to write -more to come
So here we are just days away from the first day of spring and we are knee to hip deep in a fresh snowfall that is sending many into a tailspin. It is rather funny/interesting how this is not anything new or unexpected as we go through this winter to spring evolution pretty well annually but for some reason we react with a kind of disbelief. Now, don’t get me wrong because I am first in line with the WTF is this all about (my WTF has been reassigned to standing for “what the fudge muffin”) due to going broke putting money in the swear jar!! Anyway, I have been secretly and not so secretly planning to run away from this God forsaken frigid winter torture for a sunny California climate for a while now. However, as many plans it is easier to think about and challenging to put into action. This got me to thinking about the reality of many of our plans and ideas and if we ever soul search to discover the truth behind our desires and choices. At times for a lot of us the reason is downright escapism -we just want to run as far away and as fast as our feet can take us. It is a typical case of the proverbial “grass is g reener on the other side” reasoning. Things just have to be better if we make a change and do something completely different. And you now what i think? Well -since i am writing this blog of course i am going to tell you!:) That even just wanting the change is enough to kick start our psyches into a positive direction and provide us with much needed motivation. I have a wonderful friend with whom I talk to about my innermost thoughts and feelings and there are my “lightbulb” moments and mini “epiphanies” that happen during these meetings of the minds and this is a key one. He told me that when we make the “choice” to do whatever it is then it takes on a whole new tone. It is like when the sun peeks out from behind the clouds and we just feel a kind of rebirth. That simple act of not feeling cornered into something or that we have no alternative makes us take a complete 360 degree turn from complacency/resentment to contentment and even joy with whatever that decision to do is. I have learned as i have “grown up” throughout my life that perception makes such a difference in our attitudes and mind sets that we have in every aspect of our lives. And it is essential and healthy to remind ourselves that every day we make conscious choices to do and say the things we do. It is not just about being accountable for ourselves rather it is to honour who we are and that we have great internal value with all things that touch us and intersect our lives.
Being a single parent of 3 daughters has taught me equally if not more than i have taught my girls that we are a constant work in progress, With that in mind we should feel grateful for each and every day is a blank slate to rediscover our amazing potential and gift to ourselves and each other. Most importantly, we need to be there collectively as a community of souls and reach out to those that are in need -however insignificant our acts may seem. The $5 to the man on the corner -a smile to a mom struggling with her child -giving up a seat to an elderly person and so forth. Each act of kindness is an affirmation of our great potential to bring about change in the very life we live. It is so important to see that our choices for all change begin within ourselves and right out our own door. May i leave you with this thought. Remember the great gift you have within yourself and God’s glory to bring joy and love to one another every day of your life. Be open to not only giving but very importantly to receiving this gift from others as well.
Wishing you love and peace,
I find it interesting to have realized that writing on a blog or elsewhere is something that takes time and a concentrated effort. I realize about the freedom of speech and freedom of expression and I do fully support being able to say what I feel. Yet I really find the balance of being ethical and politically correct is in direct contrast to throwing out personal insights and opinions. I am not advocating that we censor inappropriately but do we give enough consideration to our inner barometer of censorship? Do we think beyond wanting to just throw up the words in a projectile heap all over the page and then let someone else sift through and clean up the mess we created? In all seriousness -the gift of speech is just that -a GIFT!! People are slaughtered and tortured in various places in this world for uttering a thought that conflicts with the norm of that society. And we throw our words around sometimes just for the mere reason that we can. Being someone who values the spoken and written word dearly in a highly sophisticated and technological world it makes me wonder what is in store for the future generations. As an analogy to what I’m saying -consider this: take a look at the billboards around the city and notice the ones for certain radio stations that show half or fully naked announcers wearing coconut shells in strategic places and the comments are beyond suggestive that nothing is left to what is being implied. And we wonder where have the good old-fashioned values gone! REALLY?? We have gone a complete 360 degrees from one censorship to another. The censoring of information that should be made privy to the world about atrocities to an almost reverse censorship that nothing is disallowed. This has come to the forefront in my mind because of the effects I see it has on the youth of today. We seem to give such mixed messages in advertising that there is no filter so a mind that is not fully developed has no way of discerning what is appropriate or inappropriate. Then we hear of heinous hate crimes and slayings and refuse to consider the effects on the human mind of all these unfiltered messages in media and advertising. Being responsible is not akin to being prudish and backward thinking nor is it in any way inhibiting freedom of speech. If that was the case then we would have a free for all on every street corner with no regard for our fellow man. I welcome other points of view and comments in a polite and constructive context.
Have a great day!
So here I am today wanting to share with you something that happened to me when I woke up yesterday morning. I threw back my covers to get up to make my youngest daughter breakfast for her first day back to school after her exam break and there on my sheet was a small orange round circle of paper with the number”10″ on it. I looked and could not understand where it came from and I said to myself “God thinks I am a 10”. Perfect in all my imperfections -not when I lose that last 10 pounds or finally get my Psychology degree or when I get a new job that I do like or a myriad of things one aspires to accomplish. No, at that very moment divine intervention paid me a visit and let me know that I am worthy of all good things and amazing as I am. So then it got me to thinking about how others see themselves and how many times we feel like a 1 out of 10 and all we need is a gentle reassurance from someone that reminds us of our attributes and accomplishments that we too often forget because we are always in pursuit of the next one. I realize life is not static and time keeps ticking on by however, we must remember that we are an evolution unto ourselves. Each day is a new beginning for all of us and a chance to carve our inner being a little more to what we see ourselves to be as we go through this life. There is no wrong or right way rather it is so personal and unique to each of us. I eventually realized that the round circle I found on my sheet was a size sticker from my boot i wore that somehow stayed attached to my foot and in my bed. Yes, now you all know that I have a size 10 foot and I am totally fine with that! 🙂 I wore those boots numerous times but for some reason the greater power than me decided I needed a nudge to remember how amazing I am and created in the image of all that is perfect.
The past few years have been very difficult after my mom died and it seemed whatever grief I had in me from losing my husband suddenly came to life and just consumed me. And as of late I have been feeling lost and admittedly in a self-pity funk and this “10” I found in my bed was a tangible reminder that I am not alone. None of us are -no matter how deep the pain or feelings of incompleteness we go through at various times of our lives we need to remember we are all “10”s in God’s eyes. And we must take the time to be a reminder to others when they have their down days. That is how we keep moving in life -as a team player and not “I” but “we” because at the end of the day we are in this together.
I am signing off this with my wish for you to be at peace in your own skin and to know that you are never alone.
Post number 2 and after looking over some comments on other blogster’s sites i realize that a blog is really reflective of the place where one is at. i mean we can blog about factual information such as causes that we support and want to bring awareness to or we can blog about things we like and enjoy to share with an unlimited audience via internet. And still others of us use it almost as a diary which we choose to leave unopened on our beds for anyone to read. I suppose it can be looked at as cathartic, voyeuristic, a cry for help or an answer to someone who is crying for help. Whatever the reason is i find it simply astounding that it is possible to reach such a diversity of people in so many different situations and touch them in some way. As this blog is a new experience for me i suppose i fall under the cathartic/touching others category and for now I’m going to baby step my way through to where this journey takes me.
Today was a day of emotional push/pull and it made me think of how many other people go through a similar situation. I had a very dear lady who runs an amazing decluttering business and she came over to help me do a purge of sorts to get ready for a move i don’t choose to make as much as i have to make. Anyway, she has been on this journey with me for the past 12 years about 3 times and it is amazing how connected we are. I suppose when you stop and think how our possessions are actually representative of our life as we have lived it and the memories attached then it makes sense that someone who is helping you part with these items is a “therapist” of sorts. I have been widowed for 16 years and lost the love of my life in a blink of an eye -went to work and never came home -a 10 week , 3 and 7 year old daughters one day with a father and suddenly fatherless and our worlds never were to be the same again. We all have our places we have come to and come from and in order to fulfill this life as it is intended we are so blessed to have people that can help us move forward when we are spinning our wheels in past moments. I have a strong belief that God chooses us as earth angels to one another and as long as we are receptive to being open to when we are called upon to fulfill that need we bless one another’s lives. It is a gift to be chosen and to be bestowed with such an angel in our lives. Today -Shelly was mine and she helped me to move past a little few more of my ghosts to open my heart to new possibilities. I can smile about it now but at the moment it brought me to tears when we came across 2 wine bottles from my wedding to my deceased husband and i started to cry at the thought of pouring them out and letting go. When she asked me what they represented to me I realized to me it was the one time i felt loved and like everyone else who had hopes and dreams and pouring them out was like pouring myself down the drain. To me holding on to these bottles of wine were like hanging on to something i am never going to be again. Whether I remarry or not it was acknowledging that to move forward and open the whole gift of life God gives all of us i must find a place to tuck the memory in my heart and trust that it isn’t a material physical item that gives us value or comfort rather it is the association we make to the moment in our lives when we received that item. Nothing can take that away or make it any less real.
My prayer to others who are finding it hard to move forward in a certain area of their life or if they fear the unknown so they stay in a past which is familiar -know this. You are not alone and you walk this journey with many beside you and with the love of God and earth angels you too shall reap all the beauty of this life on earth. You are going to be able to open the gift of life that is waiting just for you. That is God’s promise. Believe.
funny how i am sitting here writing my very FIRST post and i feel as excited as my daughter must have been taking her first step or saying her first word and getting the reaction of a hysterically thrilled mom squealing with delight!! At any age our “firsts” are just as life changing and important in life because it is a rite of passage. I am sure there are many of you that can relate and the amazing thing is that it can happen at 9 hours old or 90 years old! We are absolutely unequivocally NEVER to old for firsts. The trick is to take the leap of faith and go on that journey to have your “first” whatever you want to try, learn or master. It is without a doubt that the only failure is in not trying. And I am going to close my first post with some very necessary self-talk -note to me “take a chance and have your first”.
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